Introduction and Day One Into My 'Diet' and Life

Searching for a New Me…

Introduction…

This is a journal written about me, Kim, a middle aged (37 years) woman who has lost her ‘self’, and is desperately trying to find it again…

Where did I loose myself? Back in 2000, my life was changed dramatically when I realized at the age of 28 and just graduating college, I was going to be a single mother. (I was in a relationship with an alcoholic and drug addict, although I didn’t realize how heavily into drugs he was.  I just thought it was an occasional recreational relationship with pot. WOW! Was I wrong! To make a long story short, because this not about my relationship with the sperm donor, he was a very troubled young man from things that happened to him as a young boy and  never wanted to seek help other than in the form of self-medicating through a bottle, drugs, and/or sex.) I realized once I took the pregnancy test and it came out positive, I would be a single mother.  I believe my first word/thought was, “FUCK!”  Then, thoughts flooded me with desperation of, “How was I going to do this alone? I just graduated with my teaching degree a week ago and have no job.  My parents were down state, and HE is an idiot who can’t keep a job to save his life, because he is too hung over from the night before to go to work. Should I have an abortion? Should I give her up?  Should I keep her?  Maybe if I keep the baby, since he wanted to have her, he’ll change.” 

WRONG! I had to take the first job I could find to make money and get insurance because I was keeping her.  So, I ended up working as a full time sub at an inner city (Chicago) school.  There were metal detectors everywhere, kids beating each other up daily, and sometimes their teachers.  On one morning, a girl was raped by a former student on her way to school, outside of the school building.  We had to park in a gated area to keep our cars safe. I was the only Caucasian woman there, but somehow, the kids respected me. I think it was because in the middle of a fight in my classroom, my BIG pregnant self got in the middle of it to break it up, and told them I was not loosing my baby over this nonsense.  They all looked shocked! From then on, if I was near, they took their fight(s) elsewhere.  I was offered a full time teaching position for the following year.  I was thrilled.  I had a job; I could stay in the city in which I loved! Little did I know!

On, 9-04-01, my daughter was born.  Marlie Marie.  How beautiful she was!  And, 3 days later, there I was, on a hot, Chicago summer day moving about 2 ½ hours away from my Chicago home, away from all of my friends, and from a job to live with my parents in the sticks, near Champaign, IL. But, mostly I moved away from my identity.  I was no longer, Kim, the skinny, beautiful model, fun, energetic, outgoing, no responsibility -except to myself-, Kim. I was someone’s mother.

I ended up working part time as a sub at a school where my parents taught years ago and at a retail store.  I got on welfare and public assistance for insurance.  HOW DEMEANING!  I was an educated woman on welfare.  I was mortified. 

To make matters worse, after a month of trying to make Marlie’s dad want to be a dad, I told him he needed to make a decision: Marlie or alcohol/drugs.  He walked away and never looked back… I took him to court about 5 months later to get child support.  Over the next 5 years, it came and at times there was nothing.  Not enough to help with the cost of raising a daughter, that’s for sure.

I did end up getting a full time teaching position in the Chicago Heights School District the next year and moved out of my parents’ home and in with a new man.  That ended after the first year, so I was forced to find my own place. I found a town home, in Park Forest, IL.  Not a great area to raise a kid, but my home was in a decent “pocket” where I felt safe and secure with neighbors who all looked out for each other. I lived there for 5 1/2 years, barely making any money to live, and spending what I did on daycare.  I spent the same amount of money sending her there from age 1- kindergarten as I did on my BA degree.  Slowly becoming more and more in debt, I decided I needed to get my MA as a Reading Specialist to make more money and land a better job in a better area, to get my daughter and myself out of this increasingly impoverished neighborhood. I also left my job in the Heights to find more money, so, I worked in Markham for 2 years, another very poor area.

Going back to school was a very difficult decision for me, since I would then have to send Marlie to live with my parents (who had recently moved) in Iowa for 2 years.  However, it was to her benefit and helped me get what I needed to accomplish done.  I also ran back into an ex-boyfriend, Paul, whom I dated 15 years ago.

7 months later, I found out on St. Patrick’s Day I was pregnant.  However, I lost the baby a few days later and gained about 7 lbs.  So, I also decided to quit smoking.  I wanted another baby, and so did Paul.  I watched my weight go up another 15 lbs.  Didn’t want to diet and risk anything to my health to become pregnant. 

Paul and I ended up moving in together about 9 months after we started dating.  I quit my job in Markham and began looking around for a job in the Lake County area. Boy, what a change.  Such a beautiful area I had moved too.  And, my neighbor across the street has 2 horses!  I was happy! A month later, Marlie came back to live with us. And, 7 months after loosing the first baby, we were pregnant again.  We were all so excited.  I was finally with someone who loved me and my daughter and wanted to be a family.  I have a perfect house, live in a great area, and is being taken care of for the first time in my life.  I felt good about myself.  I even found a job at a great school as a full time sub teaching 7^th grade reading/writing; something I was very familiar with and loved doing.  I made some great new friends too. 

Well, at the end of my teaching contract, I lost my job.  I was devastated.  Who the heck is going to hire an 8 month pregnant woman?  I freaked out!  Specialty programs, like Reading Specialists, were being cut due to poor funding.  And, let’s face it.  With today’s economy and everyone pinching/saving money where they can, Administrators would rather hire a new teacher with no experience and a BA instead of a teacher with 10 years experience and a MA. I was screwed! I NEEDED a job!  I have always had to work. I have always had to be in control! I can’t stay home with a new baby.  I’d loose my mind!

Well, here I am 6 months after my son, Jacob, was born, a stay at home mom collecting un-employment.  I am lonely most of the time.  Everyone is working.  I don’t have a lot of friends around.  My friends who are married with kids work, and are tired when they get home and want to spend their time with their families. I did too when I was working. Then, there are my single friends who like to live the party life.  I can’t go out and drink it up like I used to. Nor, do I want to. I have to take care of my family, and my kids don’t care if I am hung over, or tired. They have needs, and I chose to take on the responsibility of being a parent. Then, there are others trying to figure out their own lives... So, I need to make more friends who are available… maybe I can meet people in a mommy and me type club.

However, on a positive note, I enjoy watching my son grow, learning and developing daily.  I have bonded with him in a way I could not with my daughter, since I was trying to make money to give her what she needed to grow and be healthy.  Marlie enjoys having a mom that is home now when she gets home from school.  I can help her with her homework, and I’m not too tired from the day to help her.  I am slowly realizing, I do not want to go back to teaching.  I do want to work, but not in a classroom.  I would love to tutor kids in reading/writing and work on my own writing. I have so many ideas already.  I have some short stories already written, but need to develop the others.  I also need to just send them in to the publishers, and not be afraid of rejection!

I have also been able to play around in the kitchen, a lot!  I have always loved cooking and am able to have fun with it now.  I am always looking for new recipes to make.  Paul has been grateful too! In being at home, with access to a nice sized kitchen, and food, I have not been so lucky this time around loosing all of my baby weight in 10 days like my first pregnancy.  With my first pregnancy, I lost 52 of the 60 lbs I gained in 10 days.  Then, I went on to loose the last 8 pounds and an extra 20 lbs. after 3 months of having Marlie.  This time around, I am in my late 30’s, had a C-Section, and am nursing.  I lost 25 lbs within the first several weeks, but, I still need to loose 30 lbs. of baby weight, AND, another 20+ lbs I gained from loosing the  baby and quitting smoking. The good thing is, I haven’t gained any weight.  Just maintaining the weight I am now. Very frustrating! I also want to eat everything that isn’t nailed down… lol!

The other day, I caught reflection in a store mirror and was HORRIFIED! I still look 5-6 months pregnant.  I can’t fit into normal clothes.  I am embarrassed to go out.  I am embarrassed that my kids have a ‘fat’ mom, and Paul has a ‘fat’ partner.  Everyone keeps telling me not to worry about it.  The weight will go away after I am done breastfeeding. (“Don’t cut calories, otherwise you won’t produce enough milk”… is ingrained in my every thought when I think about dieting.) I also feel guilty about stopping the breast feeding, since I know it’s the best nutrition for my son.  I am also sad knowing that when I stop, I will no longer be the sole source of his well being.

So, what do I do? I need to get my life back.  I need to put myself first.  If I am not happy, no one will be.  I need to be able to be sure of myself again, to go out into public and not feel embarrassed, to feel good in my body again, and to not feel guilty about wanting things for myself. I need to make more friends. I need to figure out what I want to do for a career and not be afraid of rejection, or trying things that I enjoy doing.  I need to have my family be proud of me, even though they tell me they are proud of me, love me and are thankful I have made all of these ‘sacrifices’ for them.  But, that’s just it…. sacrifices for all of them!  Granted I was willing to make those sacrifices to get the family I wanted, but now I need to find me again; a new me.  I know I will never be the same wild, through caution to the wind, carefree girl I used to be.  Nor, do I want to go back to that time. I know I will not be as thin as I used to be and am fine with that.  I just want a healthy me.  A me I can smile at when I see my reflection in a mirror.

So, how do I get there?  Where do I begin?  I think once I start loosing weight, I will gain more confidence to look for everything else I need to make me the woman I am destined to become. How do I continue helping myself? By moving forward in my journey trying to attain my new goals and by keeping a journal to record my thoughts, (Writing for me has always been a good way to help me emotionally.) I can work on my writing and keep an accurate record and reflect on all events, moods, success, and failures. And, maybe, help someone else as well.

Phase 1… Loosing Weight and Everyday Life

Goal (short term)- To loose the last 30 lbs from the pregnancy.

Goal (long term)-  To loose a total of 50 lbs. To get back to a size 12 dress and 160 lbs.

1-24-11

Measurements:

Height: 5 ft. 10 inches

Weight: 211.9 lbs 

Dress size: who knows… 16 or 18.

Bust- HUGE!  Still nursing… went from a DD to God only knows…. A little over 44 inches

                        Waist: 43 ½ inches

                        Hips:  48 inches

                        Arms:  13 inches

                        Thighs:  26 ¼ inches

***I will weigh and take measurements every Monday. 

Daily Diet: (And, still pumping 3 times a day…)

Sipping on water all day

Well, for breakfast…. 2 cups of Coffee with cream, lots of cream, and a pinch of sugar. (around 200? calories due to the cream and sugar)

Pump at 9 am for 10 oz.

Mid morning snack: A caramel nut brownie Luna bar (180 calories)

Lunch: 4 SmartOnes cheese pizza minis. (270 calories)

Mid day snack: protein shake (100 calories) with ½ cup of 1% milk (55 calories)

Guess I need to eat some fruits and veggies!

Snack: Half a banana (45 calories)

Pump at 2:30 pm for 5 oz

Nap from 3:10 pm to 4:30 p.m.  aaaahhhh! LOVE NAPS!

Munch on some chip crumbs (calories???? 60)

6 dried pineapple pieces (40 calories)

Dinner: Roasted chicken breast ( not sure, but not many calories.  200? )

Mashed potatoes ( ½ for 140 calories)

Broccoli (1 cup for 25 calories, plus touch of butter )

8 oz of 1% milk (110 calories)

Pump at 9 pm a total of 6 oz

Snack:  ½ cup of strawberry ice cream (130 calories)

Total calories: approximately 1,555

Thoughts for today:  Not much going on today, other than starting a blog. Excited about that! Always wanted to do it, but just never got around to setting one up.

Jacob being very good today and entertaining himself, so I could write.  He’s such a good little boy. He is teething and can be a bit unhappy at times.  His poor gums are so swollen. I anticipate a tooth any day now!  Not sure about how I feel on loosing his little gummy smile.  I am excited for him, but realize he is growing out of his infant stage and becoming a more independent toddler.  I like him relying on me, most of the time.  Except, for the mid night feedings and wake-ups. Those I can definitely do without! However, I did catch a nap with him this afternoon.  He is still sleeping though…. Wish I could! But, I can’t.  Too much to do, and Marlie comes home soon.

A bit nervous about watching calorie input for fear of loosing milk production, hence the protein shakes.  Hopefully that will help me keep producing the “liquid gold” of nutrition.

Marlie has cheer gymnastics tonight.  I taking her because I can relax with a book or go grocery shopping without the hassle of dragging kids.  It’s just me… time to reflect and my brain a moment to not worry about anything.

Didn’t have time for exercise today. Devoted all my time to writing and taking care of Jake.  I didn’t even shower yet.  NICE!  Oh well.

Well, I did finally manage to take a shower.  I decided whether or not to work out instead of reading a book while Marlie is at cheer tumbling, but I am opting for just reading a book.  My brain hurts!

Shared my blog with Paul.  He is happy for me that I have found an outlet to express myself.  He is supportive of my decisions and loves me no matter what.  So do my kids and family.  That makes me happy!

Enjoyed reading tonight and NOT being interrupted while doing it.  Exhausted and a bit hungry.  BUT, not going to give in to eating crap because I am hungry!

Kids in bed by 9:30 pm and I am watching the news and spending a few minutes of quiet time with the love of my life.  Then, off to bed for much needed sleep.  Didn’t really get to bed until 2 am this morning.  Jake had a rough night.  I think his gums are bothering him.  After a bottle and some Tylenol at 1:30 am, he slept peacefully until 6:30 this morning.  Hope tonight is a better night.

Sweet dreams!